Make your own free website on

Candidate Report

We do not have a happy report to give. We've not been able to find a
suitable candidate for this church, though we have one promising prospect
still. We do appreciate all the suggestions from the church members, and we've
followed up each one with interviews or calling at least three references.
The following is our confidential report on the present candidates.

Adam: Good man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told of how he and
his wife enjoy walking nude in the woods.

Noah: Former pastorate of 120 years with no converts. Prone to unrealistic building projects.

Abraham: Though the references reported wife-swapping, the facts seem to show he
never slept with another man's wife, but did offer to share his own wife with another man.

Joseph: A big thinker, but a braggart, believes in dream-interpreting and has a prison record.

Moses: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator, even stuttering at times.
Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly. Some say he left an earlier church over a murder charge.

David: The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he had with his neighbor's wife.

Solomon: Great preacher but our parsonage would never hold all those wives.

Elijah: Prone to depression - collapses under pressure.

Elisha: Reported to have lived with a single widow while at his former church.

Hosea: A tender and loving pastor but our people could never handle his wife's occupation.

Deborah: Female.

Jeremiah: Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, always lamenting things, and
reported to have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on the bank of a foreign river.

Isaiah: On the fringe? Claims to have seen angels in church. Has trouble with his language.

Jonah: Refused God's call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting
swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.

Amos: Too backward and unpolished. With some seminary training he might have
promise, but has a hang-up against wealthy people -- might fit in better with a poor congregation.

John: Says he is a Baptist, but definitely doesn't dress like one. Has slept in
the outdoors for months on end, has weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders.

Peter: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper -- even has been known to curse. Had a
big run-in with Paul in Antioch, Aggressive, but a loose cannon.

Paul: Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher. However, short on tact,
unforgiving with young ministers, harsh and has been known to preach all night.

Timothy: Too young

Jesus: Has had popular times, but once when his church grew to 5,000 he
managed to offend them all and his church dwindled down to 12 people. Seldom stays in
one place very long. And of course, he's single.

Judas: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good
connections. Knows how to handle money. We're inviting him to preach this Sunday. Possibilities here.

If this is the Pentecostals, Lord help us with the report of the Baptists and
the Presbyterians!

Smidgit AKA LilMite

Sin isn't Sin Because GOD said so; God SAID so because it IS.